Shabbos Candles – Sweet Tears
Sarit

Hello to everyone

My name is Sarit, I'm 19 years old. I've been in our wonderful seminar for about a year and I wanted to share with you what I go through every week, on the most special day: Shabbos Kodesh.

I belong to a very irreligious family. We live in an irreligious city, but close to a religious neighbourhood.

Ever since I remember myself, I always envied the religious people, especially on Shabbos, which by us was just another day of the week, by them it's a special day. I remember myself as a little girl looking through the window at my neighbours who were nicely dressed, walking to the synanogue… a feeing of serenity, purity, and I was really jealous. The peak was (not very nice) but I would look straight into their dining room, to the set table, the special foods, all the children singing together… and this would wreck me.

Until today these feelings accompany me in frustration.

Thank G-d , I grew up and I already keep Shabbos. But… at home they continue life normally. After my sister goes out with a boy-friend to spend the time and my brother brings home friends or goes out, I'm left alone with my parents. My father watches T.V. and my mother reads the newspaper, the smell of smoking in the air and loud music in my ears.

I don't force anyone to follow my path and don't make any comments. I'm for myself… I know it very much bothers them that I became religious and sometimes they do make comments, but it doesn't matter, I get over it.

On Erev Shabbos I get ready and wear Shabbos clothes. I light the candles in my room; lighting the candles is always followed by a sea of tears (you don't know why?) Then I go to the synagogue for the prayers. When I return home (I'm upset there's no one to say "Shabbat Shalom" to – as if who exactly cares that it's Shabbos now). I go straight to my room, there awaits me a small table with a small white tablecloth and two rolls, a cup and a bottle of wine, and a tin of sardines.

I sing quietly… Shalom Aleichem and Eshet Chayil and say Kiddush. Inside me I feel spiritually uplifted and great happiness, but let me reveal to you, that it's a bit sad to be alone like this.

The same thing happens in the morning and in fact all of Shabbos day I'm closed in my room, praying, reciting Tehillim, resting or reading books. On Motzei Shabbos I go to the synagogue also in order to hear Havdala.

I love Shabbos and delighted with Shabbos. It's a special feeling that no one can understand unless she herself keeps Shabbos. But it's really not easy when the surroundings and the family are not with you.

I know my mother is very angry that I don’t eat the food she cooks. I explained her a few times, but she doesn't make any real effort for my sake.

This year is Shemitta so it's a real problem. Searching for worms, meaty and milky, never mind that buying mehadrin products really doesn't interest them. It doesn't bother me to eat sardines from a tin, I'm already used to it (even though I think it is not suitable in honour of Shabbos, but that's all I have) because during the week I just eat bread with something, and by the way it's a good job there's something to eat in the seminar in the evenings.

I'm sure plenty of girls identify with me and go through more or less the same as me. I always think to myself a few things:

And maybe you can help me with this.

1. A girl who grew up in a religious home – will never know what trials and difficulties we are going through in every step of the way. I don’t expect them to appreciate it but… okay it doesn't matter, (it's a feeling I'll write about at another opportunity).

2. How can explain to my parents and persuade them that I haven't gone crazy and that I'm not behaving in an undesirable manner? That this is also their religion, that they abandoned and I am returning to the roots.

3. That my parents should stop getting insulted; and instead they could come a bit towards me to help me.

Don't misunderstand! I have wonderful parents, but in this matter they simply don’t understand me.

The truth is, there's one thing I really wish for! For my own house, to get married and build my own house, with G-d's help.

And until then, I'll give you more food for thought!

Maybe we should arrange a few girls and spend Shabbos together in the seminar? What's your opinion?

Looking forward to your response
Sarit (for the purpose of the letter)